He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
