My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
