i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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