My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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