The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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