My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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