tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
