So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
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i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
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You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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