Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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