dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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