In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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