so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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