You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
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