Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
