Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
