Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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