Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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