Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
