hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
