Your dad touched me again.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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