meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
