I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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