im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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