Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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