Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
so much tequila, so little girl.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
