Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
