I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
