i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
