I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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