My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
