Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
