We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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