In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
