Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
