I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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