You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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