A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
