OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
