Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He? As in you personified your dick?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
