DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
