i think my mom watched the whole time
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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