the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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