Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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