I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
