the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
