Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
