Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
