proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
