I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
