You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
As shirtless as possible
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
