somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
