Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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