Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Michael Bay diarrhea
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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