I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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