Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
