i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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