Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
