I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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