Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I fill condoms, not promises.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
