I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
