my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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