Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
