Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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